Its 12:19am now.
And I hate this time of the day.
My mom is asleep.
My dad just left for work.
My sister has gone to work.
The house is quiet and all I hear is the clock ticking.
Not a single sound of life.
I'm alone.
I'm... alone.
Physically.
Spiritually.
My heart hurts.

Really,
I mean really,
these few days, these tens of hours, these thousands of minutes, these passing seconds,
have I ever crossed your mind?
Not even the slightest thought?
I miss you so fucking badly and you are constantly on my mind, laced with my every thought.
I don't want to leave you.
I never meant what I said.
You will never know how hard I fought with myself to say those words.
"Just say it. You know so well what hes thinking. He don't want you anymore. He wants her."
"But I want him. I can do so much to change. To be better. To be like...her"
"Really? What about the fact that YOU are not what he wants?"
Lets just break.
I said it.
You didn't hold me back.
You didn't stop me.
You even asked me to go. Faster. "Don't waste my time"
I didn't cry.
"Don't cry shuxian. Don't cry yet."
I walked away.
The moment the door slammed shut,
tears ran down my face.
"Why did I do it? Why... why did I say it?"
My heart hurts.

These few days I have been praying and begging so hard.
Ask me back.
Just ask me back.
Ask me to go back to you.
Ask me to not leave.
Tell me you want me.
Tell me you need me.
Tell me that I am what you love and want.

Recently, you have been talking about her all the time.
Telling me how hot she is, how pretty she is, how perfect she is.
How you want her.
You may say it jokingly but I know so well deep down inside you really mean it.
You really want her.
I can always feel that hint of rejection in you towards me recently.
Whenever you tell me about all the perfect things about her,
all I could do was laugh and try to ignore the little hurt fucker within me.
She is pretty, skinny, hot, attractive.
Everything I am not and will never be.
The little voice inside me will constantly be telling me I am lousy, I am shit, I am just not good enough.
The nights I spent crying because I am not good enough in your eyes.
Ugly.
Fat.
Disgusting.
Irritating.
I want to be perfect in your eyes.
I want to be the best in your eyes.
I want to be the only girl you love.
I love you so much and you are so important to me,
that is why I want to be the best in your eyes.
But,
I'm not.
I'm just ugly, fat and sad.

"Is Sam with you?"
This is what I received today.
I want to reply "Yes" so fucking badly.
I wish so hard you are just next to me.
"Nope"
And my heart screamed.

Ever since I last saw you,
my heart hurts so bad every moment.
My heart hurts and it is the most painful one I have ever felt.
Sure, we have tons of quarrels and tons of times when we "broke up" but those pain could never compare with the pain I am feeling this time round.
Honestly.
Maybe its because I know I can never go back to you on my own even though I want to so badly.
Maybe its because I know I can't undo my mistake this time round, the mistake of leaving.
I can't help but keep thinking about you, what you are doing now, who are you with, where are you...
Not a single message or a call since that day.
You must be happy and enjoying your free life.
I want you back so badly.
I'm still fucking in love with you.
I have loved you and I always will.
If you still love me and I am still what you want,
please, ask me back.
I want to go back to you so badly but I can't go back on my own because I don't want to force myself on you.
But if you having me out of your life is the thing that you really want,
then don't turn back.
No matter what crazy things I may be doing in the future to make you mine again,
don't turn back.

"If I love you, I will fight for this love,"
I once told you.
I am now a lost warrior.
I am ready but I need my commander's order to start fighting.
I need to know that you still want me to fight, to fight for this love.
I don't want you to continue with me when you don't even want me anymore.

Baby, I love you.
Don't let go of me please.
Ask me back.
Let me know that you want... me.
Because all along its you that I love and forever will be.

Sunburnt! 12:18 AM